Here are some of my thoughts to her -- a
transgendered person  experiencing profound
loneliness even though she is married.

<gentle hugs>  Caryn


**************************

The Middle Of The Line

Dear R.:

Learning to be alone is difficult.  Staying alone is
not good, after all, God said "It is not good that
a man be alone."

I've heard of "managing pain" and also of
"managing depression".  This is the concept
that, if the pain (or depression) is now part of
your life, we must focus on 'managing' it instead
of 'eliminating' it.

Learning to manage "loneliness" is difficult.  

[Drawing a line from left to right.]   

hmmmm.... let's put on the left hand the words
"driving hunger".  If the hunger grows too
great, our hearts will be vulnerable to infidelity
of the heart, and perhaps adultery as well.  "To
him that is hungry, even that which is bitter
tastes sweet."  [Proverbs 27]

On the right hand of the line is God's fantastic
design -- that a man should not be left alone,
and that a wife was given to the man as a
companion.  So, the right end of the line is
marked "wife as companion".  

But, as your letter implies, you may never even
come close to the right side of that line.  
Immaturity, hardness of heart, fear, repulsion,
revenge, a sense of betrayal, shattered
expectations -- all these can serve as blockades
to God's solution.

So, we have a line.  It is a continuum of sorts.

We have "driving hunger" on the left; we have
"wife as companion" on the right.  

Just some thoughts:  Have you looked at the
middle of the line?  At the middle are emotional
and spiritual ways to manage the hunger.

    - Emotional ways... let's try these:   Are
    there friends to go out with?  Are there
    friends that are too tempting to go out
    with?  Are there places to go that are high
    payoff and low risk?  Are there clubs that
    you can attend safely?  Is there a GLBT-
    experienced counselor that you can visit,
    that, in turn, will help you explore even
    more choices?

    - Spiritual ways... let's try these:  Is there a
    trusted friend that you can pray with, or
    that will escort you when you are out and
    about?  Can you attend an accepting church
    in your female mode on your own?  Does
    the church sponsor weekday-night prayer,
    and can you attend that prayer meeting en
    femme?

I guess, I'm trying to say this:  What strategy
can you create to manage the "hunger" so that
it is partially fed, and never becomes an
overwhelming and driving force?

If you have little to no "driving hunger", then I
think you may be able to discuss the blockades
to the right side of the line mentioned earlier:
immaturity, hardness of heart, fear, repulsion,
revenge, a sense of betrayal, and even
shattered expectations.  

Oh, I think that these are not easy subjects at
all.  But, with the driving hunger being
"managed", then the conversations on these
difficult subjects will not be so desperate, angry,
or final.... they will instead be paced, courteous,
and open-ended.

At a personal level, my spouse does not dance.  
Nor will she.  Dancing is a very important part of
my life.  It is sensual and sexual; it carries strong
gender roles; it uses a part of my mind that
invigorates me.  

    Learning to explore that "middle part of the
    line" has helped me greatly.

    Now, my hunger is "managed" in the middle
    of the line.  I dance with only certain friends
    in only safe places.

    I use to cry, alone and sitting in my car,
    because she refused to be my companion...
    now I don't cry.  

    I use to look at the two extremes of the line
    as the only options, and deny myself until
    desperation set in.  

    Now, I am able to discuss my love of dance
    and my spouse's objections more easily
    with her.  The driving hunger is managed -
    and the anger at feeling alone is much
    softer.  

    Our conversations, have not been easy...
    but they have been conversations, instead
    of emotional outbursts.

I think by examining the Middle of the Line, some
solutions will come to mind.  And then the
hunger can be managed.

Hope some of this does help you, k?

Much love in Christ always and unconditionally;

Caryn

*****




(c) Copyright Caryn LeMur 2007
The Collection of Short Works,
Letters, and Poems
The Middle Of The Line
A transgender person wrote that
her spouse was only accepting on
the condition that the spouse
never see nor deal with the "T-
side".

Perhaps the exclusion and
shunning worked for a time -- long
term marriages tend to have
unusual balances and treaties of
peace.

But in this case, the transgender
writer then stated she felt alone,
"desperately empty and endlessly
heartbroken."

How very well put... and how sad.

Loneliness can be a profound
influence upon a relationship.  

    - Loneliness, all by itself, can
    be the motive for abandoning
    a relationship.

    - Loneliness, combined with
    opportunity, can be the
    catalyst for infidelity.

    - Loneliness, when left
    unattended, can become a
    wound that rejects the
    advances of the spouse, for
    fear of being abandoned
    again.
In Deepest Sympathy -
Poetry for those that grieve
Building Faith, Hope, & Love -
Stories and Writings
A Cup Of Cold Water -
Letters For The Thirsty
A Pause In The Forest -
Poetry for thoughtful moments