Dear A.:

Welcome to the family!  

There are so many mirrors in this earth, that it
seems, perhaps to me, that we are in the House
of Mirrors at the carnival of our youth.   I think
we can learn a bit from that experience, k?
<soft smile>

Remember those silly mirrors? I do, and I
always had to pay my quarter to go into the
House of Mirrors when I was a child.  Oh gosh, I
remember how some mirrors would show me as
fat and short, and others as wiggly and as
stretched as Gumby on television....   I and my
friends laughed, because we knew the truth
was outside the carnival's fun house mirrors.

But I think that in real life, we are given another
carnival of mirrors.  These are wives, pastors,
churches and their mind-set, parental
approval/disapproval, and so forth.  Sometimes,
the "reflection" we sense from those mirrors
becomes so dominant, we no longer can laugh.  
Indeed, the warped mirrors give us warped
reflections of us -- and then, if we believe the
reflection, we often live out that belief.

But then, there is also the mirror of Jesus.

Oh, I truly don't understand, nor have in my
heart, the Catholic Guilt mirror.  I feel deeply for
those that have that mirror, and try to
understand why they don't simply walk away
and bask in the mirror of Jesus.  

    But my Catholic friends can't easily walk
    away from that particular mirror, and they
    see their own self in such a distorted
    reflection.  And then, my Catholic friends
    spend incredible amounts of time in front of
    that mirror, until, as warped as the mirror
    truly is, they believe the reflection given (by
    the mirror) is the reality.

The mirrors of how others react to us can be
very potent.  How they react to us, can be taken
as a reflection of who we are.  

My own parental mirror was potent, but then,
when my father died, that mirror for some
reason became impotent, and faded away.  I
suppose I am fortunate in that, for I knew one
man that lived for his father, and even now, is
attending Bible school in what seems a need to
better touch his father's mirror of "missionary"
with all the reflections of church approvals,
smiling relatives, and time on stage in the pulpit
of foreign countries.  

Perhaps mirrors fade; perhaps some last all our
lives.  I really cannot tell.

Oh, I did mention the Mirror of Jesus, right?  The
mirror of Jesus has reflections of my own self
that are so profound.  When I look at myself in
the mirror of Jesus, I see:

    - Someone that is washed and the dirt of
    this earth is gone;

    - Someone that is sanctified and set aside
    for God's use on this earth;

    - Someone that is justified and is treated by
    Jesus as if I never sinned;

    - Someone that is defended in God's
    heavenly court by the Intercessor;

    - Someone that is sealed with the Holy
    Spirit, as if I was a precious letter He wrote
    with His own love;

    - Someone that within the Vine, and yet is
    carefully pruned to bear even more fruit;

    - Someone that is comforted when beaten
    by His fellow servants;

    - Someone that can run in fear like a lost
    sheep, but only to be sought out by the
    Shepherd;

    - Someone that asked for wisdom, and God
    Himself pulled up a chair, and helped me
    with lessons in real Christianity.

I guess, I really am someone He loves.

In my heart, I've watched the mirror of my
father depart, the mirror of my mother not
matter much, the mirrors of two angry sisters
removed, and even the mirror of my own wife
vastly reduced in size by my own need to avoid
the pain of her negative reflections of me.  

The mirrors of my adult children became
beautiful, for they accept me as Caryn.  But
those mirrors are oddly fragile, and seem able to
change... like thin glass, I handle the mirrors of
my children too carefully.  I have become at
times preoccupied with not breaking their fragile
mirrors.  So, I am removing even those mirrors
of my children from my heart.

I am not removing my wife -- but I have learned
to love her, and hear her, without letting her
"reflection" of me change my heart.  Likewise, I
am not removing my adult children from my life
-- but I am removing the "mirrors".

And, this is so interesting, -- the mirror of Jesus
seems to be expanding.  Somehow, during this
year and a half of full-time living as a female,
more and more walls in my heart are being
covered by His mirror.  

    - Even in my darkest moments of
    depression, His mirror continued to multiply
    so much, that a match-light of hope
    suddenly filled the darkness of my inner
    person with reflections in every direction...
    even the shadows seemed to flee... no, not
    a quick cure, but instead, a long-term re-
    stabilization of my view of reality.

    - Even when the church pastor refused to
    offer to pray for my friend dying of cancer;
    even when the warped mirror of the church
    rejection became as if glued onto the wall of
    my heart -- a rejecting and condemning
    mirror -- even then, He intervened.  

    -- You see, there was great danger
    that I might see, believe, and even live
    my reflection that was in that warped
    church mirror.  Great danger, if that
    warped glass of the church stayed
    within my heart!  

    I might have become persuaded of my
    reflection truly being worthy of
    rejection and condemnation -- like the
    child that screams in horror in the
    House of Mirrors, because the child
    truly believes the warped reflection is
    showing the truth!  How quickly the
    parents must show that poor child a
    true (not warped) mirror, and teach
    that child to laugh and/or ignore the
    warped mirrors in the carnival of life.

    -- In my own case, in that very conversation
    with the pastor overcome by repulsion,
    Jesus caused me to speak words in that
    very conversation, "Pastor, I know I am
    beyond your ability to love."  Those words
    dissolved the glue that held the warped
    church mirror in my heart.  And within a few
    days, with pierced hands, Jesus removed
    the warped mirror of the church, and
    replaced it with a true and perfect mirror
    constructed of Himself.  In His mirror, I see
    my reflection - I am not beyond His ability to
    love; and  I am not rejected nor condemned
    by Him.

Here's a passage that sort of follows this
concept of "mirrors".  Oh, I'm blending an
analogy into the scripture, but hang with me, k?  
If you will, imagine Jesus walking through a
House of Mirrors:

    "While [Jesus] was saying this, a ruler came
    and knelt before him and said, "My
    daughter has just died. But come and put
    your hand on her, and she will live." Jesus
    got up and went with him, and so did his
    disciples."   

    [What mirror was the Ruler looking at in
    order to see the daughter now dead?  I
    think it was, to the Ruler, a mirror that
    reflected an all-powerful Messiah that could
    reverse even death.  Wow!  What a
    reflection!  And that reflection dominated
    the Ruler's words and actions!  Yes!]

    The account continues:  "When Jesus
    entered the ruler's house and saw the flute
    players and the noisy crowd, Jesus said,
    "Go away. The girl is not dead but asleep."
    But the crowd laughed at him."  

    [In the mirror of Jesus, the body/soul
    combination can be awoken.  In the mirror
    of the people, such a reflection was absurd
    to the point of laughter.]

    [Can you sort of feel the argument rising at
    the "carnival" in the Ruler's House? - over
    which mirror was dominant in the Ruler?  In
    Jesus?  In the people?  In my mind, this is
    almost like children insisting to adults that
    the Carnival Mirror is accurate and must
    therefore be dominant -- but the Greatest
    Loving Adult of All Time assures the children
    in the carnival of this life, that His mirror
    shows the true reflection of reality.]

So then, at this point a question that is important
to me comes to my mind:  What is the dominance
of the mirrors in one's life?  

The mirrors of Jesus cannot lie; they are not
warped; they do not bend.  "I tell you the truth,"
said Jesus, "heaven and earth will pass away,
but my words shall never pass away."  That is
some thick-glassed eternal mirror, now...
yanno?  <smile>

I think that if His mirrors dominate in my life,
even the curve ball of severe Gender Identity
Disorder (GID, often called transsexualism)
cannot undo the incredible reflections of me
within Him.

Indeed, as the scripture passage concludes,
"Jesus went in and took the girl by the hand,
and she got up. News of this spread through all
that region."  [Matthew 9]

By analogy, we that are
transexual/transgendered (TS/TG) are in a
blessed place where the mirrors that once
governed our life, are often now destructive.  
Think of it!  Those mirrors are made of warped
and fragile glass -- now, we realize those
mirrors must be replaced or ignored!

    - So many of our friends still live within the
    warped reflections of warped human
    mirrors.  Reflections of "I know I'm
    valuable, because my boss likes my work";
    "I know I'm sanctified, because the church
    lets me sing in the choir"; and "I know that
    I'm a good husband, because my children
    and wife respect me."  

But we that at TS/TG watch all those mirrors of
work, church, and even family become warped
glass -- and then, those mirrors must be
replaced by His mirror, or we are in danger of
believing warped reflections of our own self:  
"I'm not valuable!  For I was dismissed from
work"; or "I'm not acceptable for God's service!  
For I was rejected by the church hierarchy!"; or
"I'm a failure as a husband!  Look!  My wife and
children do not respect me now!"

Perhaps Job understood a mirror, and stood
before its reflections long and hard, for Job
penned, "I know whom I have believed, and am
persuaded...."   I hear, somewhere within the
deep rhythm of that verse, that we have to
become "persuaded" of the reflections of the
Mirror that was purchased by His own life, until
that Mirror of the Truest Reality becomes so
dominant we say, "I know whom I have
believed, and am persuaded...".

And then, perhaps... yes, I think it is so...  that
when we are persuaded of our own inner
beauty and acceptability (by looking deep into
His Mirrors), that is when we rise from the death
of grief and mourning and embrace life anew!  
Perhaps then, when the dominant mirrors in our
lives are all the mirrors constructed by Jesus,
the news of such a miracle -- "the TS/TG
daughter now lives for Him" -- will travel all
throughout that region!

Are we valuable?  Yes!  For His Mirror shows we
are!  Are we sanctified and fit to be used by
Him?  Yes!  For His Mirror does not lie!  Are we
good husbands?  Yes!  For His Mirror commends
our faithfulness and providing - even if it is
faithfulness and providing at a great distance!

Perhaps there is much we can learn from
remembering the House of Mirrors we visited as
children...

Perhaps it is time to remove a few warped or
fragile mirrors, and let His Mirror dominate our
view of our own self....

Maybe it is time for the children to stop
screaming at their images in the House of
Mirrors and listen to the reassurance of their
Heavenly Father....  

Perhaps the carnival mirrors should no longer
line the walls of our heart, when the Perfect
Mirror is free to all who say "help my unbelief"
and "persuade even me"      <soft smile>.

Much love in Christ always and unconditionally;

Caryn


*****



(c) Copyright Caryn LeMur 2007
The Collection of Short Works,
Letters, and Poems
The House Of Mirrors
She wrote the group,  
TG-Christians, that she was
struggling with her new faith, and
with transgenderism.

She wrote about finding nothing in
the Bible about transgenderism --
which shows she did her
homework well.  

She mentioned the influence of
Catholicism upon her perspective,
and mentioned the influence of
other church people upon her --
not always a good influence.

I thought about her dilemma off
and on for a few days, and then
wrote about a House of Mirrors,
just like the ones at a carnival.  

I hope this analogy helps many.

Hugs!  Caryn


**************************

The House Of
Mirrors
In Deepest Sympathy -
Poetry for those that grieve
Building Faith, Hope, & Love -
Stories and Writings
A Cup Of Cold Water -
Letters For The Thirsty
A Pause In The Forest -
Poetry for thoughtful moments