Before, During, & After

Dear C:

In my opinion, the sense of rejection, whether real
or apparent, is a tremendous force for someone to
deal with.

Acceptance is powerful.  And, in our culture,
acceptance is most often signaled by

- Accompaniment can, in my opinion, occur before,
during, or after the TS- or TV-oriented event.  I
know that sounds odd, but whatever means
"together" to a couple can greatly vary; and
whatever means "rejection" to a couple can greatly

- My own spouse ("Bon") does not publicly dance
with me.  She does not even attend.  It is an area
where I greatly needed her at one time, but she
was unable to attend for a number of personal
reasons.  Soooo, let's look at my situation with
three words:  before, during, and after:

    Before.  Bon could drop me off at the dance
    club.  We could have a dinner out beforehand.  
    Bon could give me a special necklace to wear
    beforehand (one that says "Not For Rent" ...
    lol....).  I can call her from the club to let her
    know all about the music and the scene and
    the guys and gals (for 10 or 15 minutes max).

    During.  Ok, this does not happen for us in
    reality.  Let's pretend, though, for the sake of
    the exercise.  Bon could sit on the couch in the
    club with me, and buy me drinks as the
    dominant partner.  She could be the gate-
    keeper for any man or woman that wished to
    dance with me -- they would have to ask her
    permission.  I could be limited to 3 songs, and
    then a return to keep her company, and then
    dance to 3 more songs.  

    After.  If I took a taxi, Bon could pick me up
    in our car.  We could go to coffee or to a 24/7
    restaurant for a bit.  If we are far apart, I can
    call her on cell and tell her all about the dancing
    on the way home, via cell phone.

What works for us now?  I call Bon when first at
the club, and tell her all about the music, decor, and
dress code.  I call Bon on the way home.  That's it.

Is it great?  No, not really.  

Is it workable?  Yes, it really is.  I don't feel
rejected anymore, just alone.  And alone is ok,
since I did a lot of solo dancing over the years.  
Also, a public dance partner to me, is not a sex
partner.  For us, this works.

So, if you can, sit down with your spouse, and then,
write these three words down on three sheets of
paper -- one word on each:  Before, During, and

And then, brainstorm together.

Who knows how much God will bless you both with
insights new and old.

Much love in Christ always;



(c) Copyright Caryn LeMur 2007
The Collection of Short Works,
Letters, and Poems
Before, During, & After
What can you do when your
spouse knows that you are TV or
TS, but simply avoids that side of

The TV (or TS) craves the
companionship of the spouse.  The
spouse feels that he/she has
given all that can be given.

And so, each feels deprived.

Consider this scripture, "Do not
deprive each other except by
mutual consent and for a time, so
that you may devote yourselves to
prayer. Then come together again
so that Satan will not tempt you
because of your lack of self-
control." [I Cor 7:5]

    Did you notice the principle of
    "mutual consent"?  

    Did you notice the principle of
    "being together"?  

    Did you notice how those
    principles help to block

So, let's try a small tool.  One I call
"Before, During, and After".  

It's just a simple brain-storming
tool to gain "mutual consent" and
to maximize the sense of "being

Here is my own brainstorming
extracted from a letter to a friend
[with a few edits, of course! lol...]
In Deepest Sympathy -
Poetry for those that grieve
Building Faith, Hope, & Love -
Stories and Writings
A Cup Of Cold Water -
Letters For The Thirsty
A Pause In The Forest -
Poetry for thoughtful moments