The Writings of Caryn LeMur - Speaking Her Love Language

For this extraordinary person, once considered a
'great catch', is now experiencing their own
gender identity shattering and reforming. For
some, the process takes years; for others, the
process is savagely quick; for yet others, the
process jerks forward, freezes, then jerks
forward again.

The "ride on the dragon" has begun for the one
with GID.

Is there anything that the one with GID can do
for their spouse? Is there any way to make life
easier for the one watching the "dragon" rip
apart their mate?

I think there is.

Welcome to a discussion on the "Love
Language" of your spouse.

Speaking Her Love
Language

Dear family of TG-C:

I wanted to add some thoughts to this thread:

"... Jesus said: "A man was going down

from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into

the hands of robbers. They stripped him of

his clothes, beat him and went away,

leaving him half dead."

Sounds familiar? You know the story. It's in
Luke Chapter 10. And the Priest that happens
down the same road sees the wounded, and
walks on the other side, right? Oh, and the
same for the Levite, right? Let's warp the story
for a moment, just to make a point.

"A priest happened to be going down the

same road, and when he saw the man, the

wounded man softly called out, "Shalom".

The Priest slowed down. And the wounded

man whispered, "The peace of the Lord be

upon Jerusalem." The Priest turned. And

the wounded man called out, "Michael... it is

me, John." And the Priest recalled his old

friend and all the memories. And the Priest

was moved with compassion."

Sound believable? How about we warp the
parable another direction:

"A priest happened to be going down the

same road, and when he saw the man, the

wounded man, who was a barbarian, called

out in an unknown language. But this only

frightened the Priest further. And the

Priest in fear ran as fast as he could to get

away."

Ok... end of the warped scriptures. Let's chat
about dysphoria.

Dysphoria, the extreme discomfort we feel, is
like the sense that an anorexic has when she/he
'simply knows' they are too fat -- it is an intense
fear that drives them; that reminds them that
what they see in the mirror is simply 'not right'.
That fear is so great, that it is estimated 10% of
the anorexics die due to complications from
malnutrition.

Anorexia nervosa is, at the core, not a spiritual
issue, at all. It is, at the core, not a medical
issue, at all. It is a psychological issue, with
spiritual and medical effects. It surely also elicits
responses from the family of the anorexic and
especially from the spouse. And, the responses
of others, combined with the spiritual and
medical effects, can create a further tapestry of
issues.

Let us pretend that you (the reader) are male
and have no TG-anything in your life. Your wife
of many years is a wonderful woman, but a bit
larger than when you first married years ago,
well... maybe quite a bit larger.

But you love her. And, really, you are also a bit
rounder than in your college days. And your
bonds have grown over the years. You are
looking forward to 'growing old together'.
Hey... I like it. Sounds like long-term mature
love.

And now, she is losing weight. At first, you
enjoy it! Gosh, she has not been so lovely in
years and years. But you are disturbed,
because you've found her vomiting in the master
bathroom three times now... very late at night.
She says, "It's just a menopause thing...." the
first time; "The flu..." the second time; "... must
be bad food..." the third time.

You know 'something' is going on.

But she won't really talk about it. She is getting
thinner. You try to bring up the subject; she
shuts you down with an angry look. Oddly,
some of your own medications are disappearing,
and the 'cache of cookies' on the computer
trace back to sites on making home recipes to
induce vomiting.... this is weird. This is strange.
Something bad is happening.

The tension grows between you. Yes, she is
now 4 sizes smaller... but she hasn't been this
small since you knew her in High School or early
College.

The tension becomes too much for you to bear.
So, you:

- insist she speak to the pastor of your

church; who then assumes expertise in

medical, psychological, and spiritual arenas;

who then tells her "to repent" and agrees

with you to excommunicate her; all of which

you remind her during the next months; as

she simply gets thinner and more anxious

and more distant...

- tell her that you never married a scare-

crow and will never stay married to one;

threaten to throw her out of the home if

she continues losing weight; remind her that

you married a "woman" and that meant

someone over 110 pounds at her age; tell

her that you'll remove even her right to visit

her children if you separate since they may

learn her warped view of 'losing weight';

as she simply gets thinner and more anxious

and more distant...

- stay silent and seething and resenting and

crying and worried and angry and in denial

and more; as she simply gets thinner and

more anxious and more distant...

In the midst of all this, your wife comes to you,
and lavishes respect upon you. You melt. You
remember how much the verse meant to you
"Husbands, love your wives; wives, respect your
husbands". Suddenly, she is no longer your
enemy. She is not your adversary. She is the
one you love. Yes, she may be getting thinner,
but now it is 'our' challenge and not 'her
problem'.

What a dramatic shift!

I offer that you are having compassion upon her
wounds, because the wounded one called out to
you in your language of love.

Let's bring these two thoughts together: the
warped scripture and the shift in paradigms
concerning our response to a spouse's anorexic
dysphoria.

I offered the warped Parable of the Good
Samaritan, because I wanted to draw attention
to the language of love. The Priest responds to
the language of love; but does not respond to
the language of barbarians.

[Oh yes, I think we should have compassion

on the wounded even if they cannot speak

our language of love. That is, after all, one

of the strong points of the Biblical

Parable of

the Good Samaritan

- it was not the Priest;

it was not the Levite; it was the half-breed

believer of evil doctrines that was 'moved'

by compassion, instead of repulsed by all

the nakedness, half-alive battered corpse,

blood and dirt. That Samaritan is top-level.

But maybe, some of us are just not top-

level Christians, right?]

Some of the TG-spectrum is still together with
their spouse. Some that were born male have
breasts, get hit on by guys, and really don't look
like the man that their spouse married, right?

My observation is that the TG-anything that can
speak the spouse's particular personal love
language is the TG that has a chance of staying
together.

A love language is unique to the spouse. Some
like roses; some hate them. Some want to hold
your hand in public; some complain that hand-
holding is far too 'public' and juvenile.

What to define your spouse's love language?
here are some starter questions:

When she rants, what are the rules? (join

in the chat; no interruption; offering

solutions; never offering solutions; etc.);

When can she be touched? (only inside the

house, when the door is closed; must be

hugged publicly; etc.)

When and where do you have coffee or

tea? (on the balcony on weekends; every

morning in the kitchen; meeting at a

Starbucks on the way home; etc.);

When and where do you visit the adult

children? (together; apart; kids always on

speaker phone; etc.)

What are the rules on humor and teasing?

(what subjects are off-limits; must she be

able to dominate through teasing just

because? etc.)

Who do you invite when going out to (1) a

low key bar, (2) a dance club, and (3) a bar

on the dark side of things? (maybe she

wants the invite so she can always decline;

maybe she wants to watch the dancers with

you but not dance; maybe she loves to

dance; etc.)

What are the rules on shopping for

clothing? (apart; together; chatting;

advising; she works your outfits; you share

clothing and jewelry; you never share; etc.)

What are the rules on sharing work news?

(you have to tell her all the personnel issues

at your job and listen to her comments; she

tells you nothing about her job; etc.).

We drove 180 miles last Sunday to find a special
lily that I wanted to buy to plant near my
"Orange Velvet" lilies. An all-day trip in the
same car; listening to radio; chatting away;
sharing french fries; sweating in the lily nursery
field in NJ; finding my desired lily was the wrong
color for my favorite Orange Velvet lily; picking
out two different ones anyway; driving home in
traffic; listening to some weird radio station and
laffing; joking about our friend David's off-color
emails that he sends us.... what was that all
about?

Language. Love language.

Oh, my personal love language is different than
Bon's. But that is ok. Bon knows it, and really, I
tend to hide it from others. Why? Because the
man or woman that can speak your own love
language will quickly own your heart.

Seriously. In Proverbs chapter 7, a woman
speaks to a young man about her very 'real'
spiritual life, about how much she sought to find
just him, about her own desire for deep
passionate love, about her husband never
finding out.... "With persuasive words she led
him astray; she seduced him with her smooth
talk." In short, the adulteress spoke the love
language of the man, and quickly owned his
heart.

I think we can learn from the adulteress, don't
you? She spoke in terms of the man's love
language... not her love language. And it was
her ability to speak in his love language that
persuaded and seduced him.

Returning to the Parable of the Good Samaritan
(warped versions): I think spouses are like the
Priest. We are like the wounded person in the
Parable. Your spouse's natural inclination is to
walk away from you.

Until you speak her love language. And then,
her heart melts. And, she turns. Until, over
time, she is moved with compassion.

I think that there is a tendency among those in
the TG-spectrum to stop speaking the love
language of their spouse. As a result, the
relationship grows more and more distant.

Then, when the dysphoria becomes a band of
thieves, and strips the TG-person naked, beats
them, and leaves them half-dead... then, the
spouse is distant like the Priest or Levite, and
more easily avoids the wounded and accepts the
repulsion that is normal towards such a shocking
sight on the road of life.

We call out in moans of pain, barely alive. But
she is overcome by repulsion; she is not moved
by compassion.

Sadly, we should have been speaking her love
language all along.

We set her up for failure.

It is difficult to walk away from someone that
has spoken 'love' to you in your special unique
and personal language. It is easy to desert a
stranger or barbarian.

I offer that a good exercise is to make a list of
the 'love language' of your spouse, and then
learn to speak as much of it as you can. Then,
when the dysphoria wounds you, your chance of
her being moved with compassion is much
greater.

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure

hidden in a field. When a man found it, he

hid it again, and then in his joy went and

sold all he had and bought that field."

[Matthew 13:44]

I offer that speaking your wife's love language
makes you into her treasure... she'll sell
everything she has to own you for life, if you are
her treasure. Oh, and if the clay jar that holds
the treasure changes shape, or is a bit cracked,
I doubt she'll easily abandon all that she has.

Much love in Christ always and unconditionally;

Caryn (a clay jar quite changed, and occasionally
accused of being a bit cracked...)

*******

(c) Copyright Caryn LeMur 2007

The Collection of Short Works,
Letters, and Poems
Speaking Her Love Language

Many spouses cannot 'handle' the
thought of their husband or wife
being diagnosed with any mental
disorder.

I cannot blame them.

Can you?

If their wife has severe
schizophrenia, she is out of her
mind. In shock, the man may
institutionalize her. What man
wishes to ponder such a decision?

If the husband has bi-polar
disorder, he is not out of his mind.
Instead, his moods waiver
noticeably. Does the wife
institutionalize him? No. But does
the wife greet the diagnosis from
the psychiatrist with joy? Of
course not.

But what of Gender Identity
Disorder (GID), commonly called
'trannsexualism'? These men or
women or not out of their minds.
Indeed, one common thread is
how many of them are
extraordinarily gifted in
mechanics, art, music, spatial
reasoning, abstract reasoning,
and writing.

But the spouse is torn.

In Deepest Sympathy -
Poetry for those that grieve

Building Faith, Hope, & Love -
Stories and Writings

A Cup Of Cold Water -
Letters For The Thirsty

A Pause In The Forest -
Poetry for thoughtful moments