I closed the door on being male... I really did...
when I had  breast augmentation so long ago....
and found a new company to work for as a
female....

But for some reason, there was still that sound
of the door closing.  I'm really not sure why.  I
was the one that closed the door... yet that
sound.. .. the whoosh of air and wood hitting
wood... seeing the door closed and realizing it
was not to be opened again...

Instead of instantly celebrating full speed, I still
oddly mourned the passing of Jim and then
slowly learned to fully embrace and celebrate
my new external and internal person.

But now, I'm hearing the sound of the lock
turning.

I would think I shouldn't mind... but still, the
finality of that sound hits somewhere deep... I
really don't know the right words yet.

You see, my heart and brain problems may be
aggravated by the androcur's side effects.  And
then, the case nurse contacted the hospital
nurse, and then, the case nurse chatted with
me, and then she contacted IBM and then
suddenly, my SRS is approved as an in-network
benefit under my insurance with IBM...

And then... it was as if...
I heard the lock turning...
and clicking shut.

I should be celebrating.... right?

But I'm not...  somewhere in my heart, I still
hoped for a miracle ... i guess... really.... maybe
God would resurrect Jim from the dead... maybe
the pain i caused others would become just a
memory... maybe Bon would have a husband
again... dreams come true... for some people..
right?....

My eyes are wet...  silly... i suppose....  
God provided... and i am in tears....
because i did not get to be a miracle?  

But now... a part of me ... a big part ...
hears that metallic click
of the lock being turned....

Sounds silly... silly sounds... locks turning...
silly girl....strange analogy...
strained path to walk....right?...yes?....

but why are the sounds so loud?....
why are the eyes so wet?....
why didn't i get a miracle?....
who gave the nurse the right to touch the lock
on the door?...

the androcur ...
it was my hope, and it betrayed me...
i knew the side effects...
but never believed them...never... really....

silly girl...., i have a runny nose now...
it's hard for my throat to swallow now...

i think i should go home...
it is almost 9PM and was a long day at work...

But when i go to sleep tonight,
i don't think i can lock my house door...
i think the sound would be too loud...
right?... yes?...


in tears and simply writing her thoughts...

caryn


*****






(c) Copyright Caryn LeMur 2006
The Collection of Short Works,
Letters, and Poems
The Sound Of The Lock Turning
This was sent to my friends on  
TG-Christians.

Have you ever tried to pen the
sounds of a rainstorm while under
a tin roof?  

In this case, an unexpected
blessing created a downpour of
feelings.

I hope you don't mind reading all
the thoughts, even as they
happened.


***********************


The Sound Of The
Lock Turning


Sometimes I think that I can recall
the sound of the door closing.

But now, I think that I can hear
the lock turning and clicking shut.


Each sound, it seems, carries a
message to me.
In Deepest Sympathy -
Poetry for those that grieve
Building Faith, Hope, & Love -
Stories and Writings
A Cup Of Cold Water -
Letters For The Thirsty
A Pause In The Forest -
Poetry for thoughtful moments