A Window Into My Heart - Caryn LeMur

I began my prayers the other day. 

It’s really rather simple.  I have a prayer sheet in Word, on my computer.  Just a few lines into reading my prayer-concepts, and then praying them, the Wind changed direction.

I’m sure that others sense the change of the Wind, as well.  First, her name came back to my mind, and then a picture of her from the last time we met her.  So, I clicked on another screen on the computer, and wrote a short note.

After all, she had suffered poverty, lonliness, and even cancer - she could use a few simple lines of encouragement, right?  So, I wrote some simple notes.

Then, I was done.  But the Wind kept blowing.  You know, like when you are done speaking with someone on the ocean pier, and there is silence… but the evening breeze begins to come in from the sea. 

And then, I wrote this:

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Deep Rooted.

Where is God found? 

(c) Copyright 2008, Caryn LeMur

I posted this letter on TG-Christians, a yahoo group for those that are transgender-anything and also Christian.  After some thought, I felt it was also best to post the examination of Joe Dallas’ book, Every Man’s Battle, here also on my blog for other’s to review, comment, and offer other viewpoints.
 

To set the background:  a writer on TG-Christians had commented about Joe Dallas’ book, Every Man’s Battle.  My concern was that the writer should not just read the book, but ask deeper questions. 
 

Since I knew Joe Dallas many years before; since I had held one discussion with Joe that included some of his life choices; and since I and Joe have reached dissimilar conclusions about the nature of ‘mercy’; I felt compelled to not attack the book, but rather to help the reader to discern the basic assumptions and exceptions of Joe Dallas, the author.
 

Often, we that are readers, are not even aware of the author’s assumptions and exceptions.  See what you think.
 

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Dear K and Family of TG-C:
 

I wanted to write about the underlying assumptions and exceptions of authoresses and authors.  This can make a world of difference in understanding their essays, whether unpublished or published. 
 

1.  In background:   
 

I knew Joe Dallas, the author of ‘Every Man’s Battle’, many years ago.  We attended the same church.  I was a deacon; he was an elder.  I was 19 years old, and Joe was 20 or 21.  Not joking.  The church was a very new church, and filled with many young people in their 20’s.  Joe knew me as a male, and we had several good and deep conversations.  
 

I heard Joe’s story bit by bit as years went by.  I heard Joe speak in person in the Washington DC area in 2000, or 2001.   Joe does not know me now, nor of my transsexualism.   
 

Time has passed… perhaps 33 years.  Joe divorced his first wife, went into a gay relationship, attended the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC), exited the gay relationship, changed churches, and ultimately married another wife that had a young 3 year old.  He has written or spoken about these matters.  
 

Oh, and Caryn kept Christ as her savior, and renounced Him as Lord for 14 years.  She returned to Him as Lord at age 35 in 1989/1990.  She found her Christian world-views shattering on a personal level in 1997, 98, and 99.  Again, in 2000, 2001, and 2002.  It was intense, and ultimately, life-changing from male presentation to female presentation in 2005.  She had SRS in 2007.  She has written about these matters.   
 

We both walk with Christ now.  We both write.  Joe is quite published; I am not.   When I write I endeavor to draw attention to the mercy of God upon my own self, and then extend that mercy to others. Joe, when he writes, draws attention to the same.   But, do be aware that we interpret the word “mercy” very and radically different.   
 

2.  The assumptions/basic foundational differences: 
 
But, therein is hidden our great difference.  I preach the mercy of peace; Joe preaches the mercy of battle.  I preach a call to reconciliation; Joe preaches a call to battle. 
 
I believe in the Law of Measurement, Matthew 7:1, which states that how I have measured others, God will measure me. 
 

Thus, it is a surprise to no one that I preach the mercy of peace, because I want peace.  Conflict is not my friend.  In fact, my heart resonates to multiple verses concerning peace, especially “a man of peace shall build God’s house.”  I seek the holy grail of humanness that walks humbly with God.  I seek God, and He transforms me.  I seek Him as a human that is an earthen vessel. 
 
Joe most likely also believes the same concerning Matthew 7:1.  Yet, Joe wants a battle, a second chance, and rejoices in the conflict.  He appears to change for the better after each battle.  He wants transformation into the image of Christ, via battle.  Thus, it is a surprise to no one that he preaches the mercy that urges a man (or woman) back into the battle.  His heart may well resonate to multiple verses concerning spiritual warfare, and perhaps he seeks the holy grail of sexual purity.  Joe seeks God, and God transforms Joe.  But Joe seeks God as a warrior. 
 
The call to reconciliation, and the call-to-battle, are two very different approaches to Christianity.  Like lighting in a room that changes the perceived color of the furniture; like a “key” in music that sets certain pitches as dominant; and like a perspective that filters every thought — each approach is very far reaching.   
 

But many readers of published (or un-published) essays have forgotten to question the ‘light in the room’, or the ‘key’ of the music, or the mental filter — we simply accept it, and press on.     I urge readers to question the basic ‘call’ that is the underlying tone and theme of the author’s writings.  For one of the great changes from the First Covenant to the Second Covenant is that the call to reconciliation is now dominant over the call-to-battle.    
 

3.  The exceptions: 
 
Have you noticed in my writings [on TG-C and on my web site], that any ‘judgment’ I place upon my opponents, that I place the same judgment upon myself?  This is an aspect of the Law of Measurement — I allow myself no personal exemption from what I write, for I believe that God will allow me no exemption (either in this life or if not, in the life to come). 
 

Thus, if I preach ‘peace, not as the world gives, but as Christ gives’ to any group within the world, I also preach peace upon my own transsexualism.  The Law of Measurement is also complementary to the Golden Rule:  ‘Do to others as you would have them do to you’ as Jesus said. 
 

Have you noticed in Joe’s writings, that he places a ‘judgment’ upon those that wish to live outside of God’s intention of one-man-one-woman marriage, and wishes to deny them the right of one life-time marriage?  Yet, Joe is not willing to write that he is also therefore willing to renounce/annul his second marriage.  And, by the way, a number of Evangelical Christians (and others) believe that Joe is living in adultery to this very day.
 

Thus, Caryn preaches reconciliation, peace upon others and peace upon her own self.  She allows herself no exception.    Thus, Joe preaches a call to battle upon others, a righteous war upon others, but no war upon his own self ‘living in adultery’.  He allows himself (and perhaps others) the right to divorce, renounce their celibacy, and enter into a ’second’ marriage with all the rights of marriage as given by the church and state.   
 

In keeping with the rules of TG-C, I am not debating at all ‘homosexuality’.  But I am pointing out the concept of ‘exceptions’.  Indeed, the ‘exceptions to the assumptions’ are very telling of an authoress’/author’s world-view, and very often give insight into their Christian maturity.   
 

4.  In summary: 
  
A discerning reader of literature must, in my opinion, train their minds to see the underlying assumption and exceptions of the authoress or author. 
 
A discerning reader must then be willing to ask their own self:  what is the mind of Christ?  What were His assumptions?  What were His exceptions?  And then, judge the literature against the life of our Savior, His actions, and His heart attitude.  No one — not I and not Joe — have perfect doctrine; only Christ has perfect doctrine. 
 

Difficult to do?  Yes, of course.  We have trained our minds for years to simply ingest the written and spoken words of a hundred preachers on radio, in books, and behind the pulpit.  But… to get started in this process is easy — just ask yourself:   

- Is the underlying tone one of ‘the call to reconciliation’ or a ‘call-to-battle’?

    
- Is the author preaching a judgment/discernment upon certain ’sins’ and yet exempting other similar ’sins’?    

- Do the words of Christ clearly allow such an exemption?   
 

  Much love in Christ always and unconditionally;     Caryn    

In an effort to keep my blog as a very human and very honest window into my world, I had to wonder about the effect two of my last posts had upon me:

One post was in Exgaywatch.com and concerned my own father and the concept of touching each other (or really, the lack thereof).  I grew up in a very non-touching family, and with siblings that had great needs for controlling others, lashing out with hatred, and/or living in avoidance.  But… my relationship with my father was one of physical distance for years, followed by a lifetime of emotional distance.  He was not an evil man, by any means; I think he simply needed to avoid a ’son’ that was far too gentle for his military persona.

After writing that post, I simply sat upon the couch, and watched the fire dance in the background, while in the foreground slowly shimmered one of my favorite orchids in bloom.  The dance of fire-destruction; the beauty of orchid-life.  I then simply began to cry.  I then asked my father (who is dead) to pray for me while he is in heaven.  I recognize that I cannot even prove, based on the Bible nor my own understanding, that my father heard me.  But perhaps… in an odd way… that was me reaching out to him, and doing more than just shaking his hand — I was perhaps at last, sharing a bit of my heart with him.

The other post was on Warren Throckmorton’s site, and involved a decision of my own to document what a certain pastor had done towards me.  That pastor is forgiven, and I do pray that our Lord Jesus will bless him.  Yet, when I was done writing, I felt like I had just revisited a hospice, and had left the grounds with mixed feelings of vulnerability and sadness. 

There was a time when I longed for the revenge.  But death, even corporate death, is far uglier than I had thought.  There is no stunning glory in revenge; instead, there is the empty hospital-echo of few visitors in the hallways, and the silent standing in prayer with a very human pastor watching his life’s work - his church - on ‘life-support equipment’ with colored tubes of finances dripping in and barely any stirrings of spiritual life. 

We are all so terribly human.

The first letter on Exgaywatch is here; the second on Warren’s site is here.

Much love in Christ always and unconditionally; Caryn

Christianity Today is an American religious magazine that is considered to be very conservative.  In their February 2008 issue (mailed out at the end of January 2008), they posted two articles:  The Transgender Moment, and Walking A Fine Line – Pastors wrestle with transgender issues.
 

I was glad that the transgender-spectrum is at least being published, instead of being treated as if it were invisible.  I prayed over the article, and a few days later, I became concerned about a hidden assumption that is part of their Walking A Fine Line article.  The next day, I worked my thoughts into a 1000 character Letter To The Editor.  Here it is:
 

“Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (I Sam 16).  Your “Walking A Fine Line” assumes that outward lifestyle is the proper test for withdrawal or granting of church compassion.  This is doctrinal error.  The goal of mature Christian leadership is to ensure that compassion is always granted to the wounded heart (Luke 10).  But immature church leadership perceives lifestyle, ignores heart-wounds, and then walks on the other side.  This is one major reason that many churches will not reach those age 30 and below that are co-habitating, dressing androgynously, and engaging in non-church life-styles.  Our Lord Jesus loves all spiritual leaders, and blesses immature churches with attendees like their leaders, so they will indeed have a flock to feed.  But He brings the richest harvest to mature churches that perceive the heart-wounds, allow the Spirit’s compassion to overcome their repulsion, and patiently pour in ‘oil and wine’ for many years.”  Sincerely;  Caryn LeMur